Via Talks at Google

“Each one of those three types looks at silence very differently.

As an assertive, if you’re quiet, I think that means you want to hear more from me, and so I talk. If you’re an analyst and you’re quiet, you just want to think, and I could completely misinterpret that. You’re happy when I go silent ’cause you’re like, ‘Thank God; he shut up so I can think.’ And then the accommodator, who is very relationship focused, the only time the accommodator goes silent is when they’re mad. So if we’re talking and you go silent on me, I’m afraid you’re mad at me.”

— Never Split the Difference | Chris Voss | Talks at Google, watch at 11:36

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Everyone defaults to one of three interaction styles in negotiations: assertives insist on explaining their side, analysts withdraw to think, while accommodators smooth things over to maintain rapport.

Chris Voss, former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator and author of “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It,” says we must recognize which interaction style we default to.

That’s because our default type, however natural it feels, is also the source of blind spots. And misinterpreting others because we assume they have the same interaction style leads us astray.

Each type has a different priority and a different relationship with silence:

	Assertive	Analyst	Accommodator
Cares most about	Being heard and understood.	Having time to think.	Nurturing good rapport in the relationship.
When they’re silent, it most likely means…	They feel heard. Summarize your understanding of where they’re coming from to confirm.	They’re processing the discussion. Give them time to think.	They’re angry or reassessing the relationship; you might be losing them.
When you’re silent, they think…	“You want to hear more from me.” They will keep talking until you confirm you’ve heard and understand their side.	“Finally, I can think.” They’re relieved to get that space; let them know they have it.	You’re angry or reassessing the relationship; they might be losing you.
Tips	Don’t go quiet expecting them to stop talking.	Don’t mistake silence for agreement or disengagement.	If they stop responding, consider what you can do to repair the relationship.

Self-knowledge alone isn’t enough. Without a grasp of the other person’s default type, we either misread their behavior entirely, or read them through our own wiring. Either way, we’re likely getting it wrong.

Voss tells a story about emailing his co-writer Tahl with some editing notes. Four or five days passed with no reply. Not knowing how to read Tahl’s silence, Voss started to panic, convinced something had gone wrong. When he finally called, Tahl had simply been on vacation with his family and had no idea Voss had been worried. Voss thought he would have to manage a crisis. Tahl didn’t know there was one.

Experienced negotiators build skills across all three types.

Each type has something to gain by developing skills in the other styles:

• Assertives who learn accommodator skills close more deals — you’re six times more likely to close with someone who likes you.
• Analysts who learn to assert themselves stop being misread as passive or disengaged.
• Accommodators who develop analytical discipline stop getting walked over.

To get better at negotiating, both steps matter.

Recognizing your default style—and the styles of the people sitting across the table—gives you the map. Growing beyond it gives you the range.

As an assertive, Voss had to learn to build rapport because the data showed deals happen more with people we like. Adding range is what makes you a complete negotiator. Your natural type is where you start, not where you stay.

Practical Things to Try

To understand the people you work with:

• Notice how they use silence—are they thinking, waiting for more, or upset?
• Identify if they’re assertive, analytical, or accommodator-oriented.
• Adapt your communication: more space for analysts, more input for assertives, more relationship-building for accommodators.