Via Mel Robbins

“I call this moving from the prom date mentality to the life partner mentality. What makes a good prom date? They look cute in pictures. You want to dance the night away with them. Maybe you want to kiss or do a little bit more than that after prom. You’re not thinking about: Will this person pick up my kids from the dentist? Does this person have a lot of debt? Are they financially responsible?

At a certain point in life, probably a certain number of years before you want to get married, you should start shifting your mindset towards looking for different qualities.”

— Harvard-Trained Behavioral Scientist: How to Find True Love in Today’s World, at 13:26

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Most people have a dating checklist: good income, attractive, similar interests, compatible personality. Logan Ury, a Harvard-trained behavioral scientist and author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love, thinks you should tear that list up.

What matters less than people think. These “prom date” qualities feel important, but they’re not predictors of long-term relationship success.

• Looks. We adapt over time and stop appreciating them as much.
• Money. Useful, but not a predictor of a strong relationship.
• Shared hobbies. You don’t need identical interests, just mutual respect for separate ones.
• Similar personalities. Two of the same person is often too much. You want balance.

What matters more. The qualities that are predictive of who would make a great life partner:

• Emotional stability. How do they respond to difficult situations? Can they get back to an even keel after an upsetting moment?
• Kindness. How do they treat someone they don’t need anything from?
• Loyalty. Do they have long-term friendships? Do they show up for people? It’s a signal that they can be loyal to you.
• Growth mindset. Do they believe people can change and improve? When the relationship hits a rough patch, do they approach it as something to learn from?
• Ability to fight well. Can you disagree while still remembering that you’re on the same team, working toward the same positive outcome?
• What side of you they bring out. Do they make you feel bad about yourself? Did you feel stiff or relaxed while you were with them? Did you feel energized? Was there something about them that you’re curious about? Did they make you laugh? Did you feel heard? Did you feel attractive in their presence? Did you feel captivated or bored?

The last point requires a mindset shift: from evaluating (“Do they make enough money?”) to experiencing (“How do I feel when I’m around them?”). It’s the key to recognizing a “slow burn.” Someone who grows more attractive each time you see them is worth paying attention to.