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"Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing. Too often I hear people say, "My kid doesn't respect my boundaries. My colleague doesn't respect my boundaries." And with all due respect, I think you have an incorrect definition of boundaries. I think you're making a request." […] Because if you're setting what you call a boundary and you're really making a request, you're giving all of your power away to the other person. You're saying, the success of this important moment depends on my 2-year-old."

— A Child Psychologist's Guide to Working with Difficult Adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy, at 42:27

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Many confuse requests with boundaries, then wonder why their "boundaries" aren't respected. Dr. Becky Kennedy (child psychologist, bestselling author, and CEO of Good Inside) offers this definition: "Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do—and they require the other person to do nothing."

Why this distinction matters: If your boundary depends on someone else's compliance, you've made a request and given away your power.

• Telling your child, "Don't press the elevator buttons" is a request. Standing between your child and the buttons is a boundary.
• At work, saying, "Please stop being late" is a request. Restructuring the meeting to proceed without them is a boundary.

When you do set boundaries:

• Pushback is expected and okay. When children or work colleagues push back against a new boundary, that's a sign it's working. It is not a sign that you did something wrong
• It's better to pay the lower, short-term price. The discomfort of enforcing a boundary is always less costly than the chaos of not having one
• Using threats and punishments is ineffective. While it feels like you're doing something when you say "No ice cream for you if you don't do X", the reality is that you're just avoiding the harder work of setting actual boundaries

Parents and leaders who see pushback as “This is going according to plan” have the mindset and reframing that lets them be more effective at setting and keeping boundaries.